Dear Mr. Dad: It's nearly impossible to get my kids to do anything around the house. I know I must sound like my own mother, but when I was young, my siblings and I had a whole list of chores to do every day. And we did them without complaining. Is there anything I can do to get my kids to cooperate a little more?
A: Once upon a time, even the youngest kids had clear-cut duties around the house. It might have been bringing in firewood, feeding the chickens, or whitewashing fences. For better or worse, however, those days are long gone.
Today, it's a lot more likely that getting a child to do a chore as small as loading the dishwasher or taking out the garbage once a week will be like pulling teeth. Even worse, when you do ask a kid to so something, there's a good chance she'll demand to know "How much am I going to get paid for doing this?" Frustrating, but at least you can take some comfort in knowing that that your child has a firm grasp on how the free enterprise system works.
Sure, special jobs, like painting that shed in the backyard, or helping you replant your garden might involve some type of payment (which could be cash or something like a trip to a ballgame), most jobs around the house should just fall under the general heading of "family duties."
No one gets paid for setting the table, making dinner, or cleaning off the dishes. These are things that family members do to contribute to the running of the house. A child's weekly
allowance should be independent of chores. In other words, don't tie taking out the garbage to a direct payment.
The trick to instilling a domestic work ethic in your child is two-fold:
Lead by example and start early. From the earliest age, your kids look at you for clues on how to act. If they see that you don't put your things away, hang up your clothes, clear your dishes from the table, and so on, they'll get the signal loud and clear that they can leave stuff around for someone else to pick up—that's going to be you.
On the other hand, if you start with making your toddler put away his toys when he's done playing with them and have him straighten up his room once a day, you'll help him develop the habit of chipping in when there's work to be done. As the kids get older, their duties around the house should expand to fit their abilities.
You didn't mention this, but I'm sure that since you have more than one child, you often hear complaints from the older ones about having to do more than the younger ones. The way to deal with this is to remind the older ones of some of the privileges they have that that the younger siblings don't.
Of course, no one wants to turn their children into little domestic slaves, but having
a clearly defined list of chores (posting a written list is often helpful), along with who's responsible for doing each one is an important facet of family life.
Finally, build some
flexibility into your system. If one of the kids needs to spend a lot of time on a big project, make some allowances. You might offer to do the child's chores for him in exchange for an equal amount of time spent on other household chores later on.
A nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott is the author of The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year, Father for Life, The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be; A Dad’s Guide to the Toddler Years, Throwaway Dads, and The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting without a Partner. He has written on parenting and fatherhood for the New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland, California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.
